It was fear that kept me away from CrossFit for so long. Just what I was afraid of is hard to say – afraid of being laughed at by the hard arse military types who can do 100 handstand push ups without breaking a sweat, fear of being yelled at Bootcamp-style, fear of people seeing my less than perfect body and judging me as weak-willed and fat, fear that my love of cheese and wine and lying on the couch would be so evident as I walked in the door that I’d be asked to leave. We don’t want your sort here.
But finally my very fit, very competitive and very obsessed better half convinced me to give it a go. Coming back from a holiday with jeans so tight I could barely do them up also kicked in that old vanity thing.
So I made a deal with myself – just try it, and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to go back.
The first time I walked into Tracy and Daniel’s gym I was absolutely terrified. Gone were the serried ranks of cross-trainers and the floor-length mirrors I was used to seeing and instead there were horrible looking racks and massive weights and an enormous set of monkey bars.
My immediate reaction was “I can’t do this” and I had a very vivid flashback to being the girl who always got picked last for team sports, the one struggling around the oval, the one being tormented for being chubby and unfit, the one who couldn’t do a handstand or run a race or kick a ball.
I think Tracy could sense my reluctance and – and this is where the story moves from I can’t to well maybe actually I might be able to – she was extremely reassuring during our first fundamental classes. She seemed normal! Like a reasonable person! She didn’t berate me for my general lack of fitness and my inability to master some of the exercises straight off. She didn’t make me feel bad about being a completed noob.
And then – the first WOD itself. I don’t remember what the workout was but it wasn’t so bad. Yes I was red-faced and sweaty and uncoordinated and embarrassed by my own lack of strength and stamina, but it wasn’t actually that bad. I found a modicum of confidence. I thought I might actually be able to commit to this and stick at it and get somewhere.
I should mention about two weeks in I found myself doing a million push ups in a WOD and forcing back the tears and anger and frustration with myself and seriously wondering why in god’s name why I was putting myself through this unbelievable torture.
But I made a deal with myself: just get through one more round and you can stop.
And I have made that deal with myself five or so times a week for the past 10 months. Just get through this one thing. Just this.
Gradually and by turning up regularly and doing my best I’ve gone from being a pudgy uncoordinated unfit ball of anxiety to a much less pudgy, more co-ordinated and definitely vastly fitter ball of quite a great deal less anxiety.
I still get a bit anxious before WOD’s and generally I don’t look before I go in case it is something dreadful and I talk myself out of going.
And I still make little deals with myself during the workouts (just one more round and then, if you can’t go on, you can quit).
Some days I do quit, such as the infamous million pull-up day a few weeks ago. And that’s ok, because next time, I’ll do better. I’ll do as many as I can, and it will be more.
I’ve hurt myself and dropped barbells on my head and met some awesome people and gained some decent muscle tone in places I never thought I’d see anything but squish. I can do push ups on my toes. I can squat my body weight. I am not quite strong enough to do a pull-up unassisted but the goal is in sight. Double Unders still defeat me and bring out my most defeatist attitude, but one day, they will be mine. I know it.
I have lost nine kilograms and gone down two clothes sizes. I have calluses and I don’t giggle anymore when someone talks about doing the snatch. I have a Fran time, but I’m not telling you what it is, because it’s still kind of slow. Come back to me in a year.
I do CrossFit because I actually, really, genuinely love it. And I’m not so afraid any more.
K Haycock
- Since writing this Kate has gotten that elusive Pull Up, can do Double Unders and is continuing to kick some major goals. Keep up the awesome work Kate!!! We are so proud of you
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